i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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