And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
