dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
