Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
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