her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
