I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
