Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
