Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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