just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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