NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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