i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
