I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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