thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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