dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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