Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
