i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
