just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
