Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
i've created a new STD.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
