If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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