Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
