turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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