I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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