Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
