is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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