My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize
