You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
