I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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