so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
