We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
