i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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