I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
