I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
