All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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