My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
