she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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