Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
