ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
