every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
