I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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