I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
