Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
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