i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
