Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
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But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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