I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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