I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize