I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
