She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
