It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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