just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
farters have to be the big spoon...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
