The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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