smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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